I am a chronic insomnia sufferer. I always have been. And maybe it’s how busy my days are, or how many children depend on me right now, but I’ve found that I’m more and more annoyed by my body’s refusal to get with the program. I have a job to do! Chores to get done! Hobbies I would like to have time and energy for! And most importantly, people in my life who I am responsible for, and who deserve better than for me to be grumpy with them all day. I don’t have time to be tired.

Since childhood, when I can’t sleep, I’ve turned to reading. And since 2015, when I can’t sleep, I turn to reading Psalms. Psalms always point me back to a place of peace. It is gently instructional as only poetry can be. There I can find acknowledgment of the heaviness of the world, along with reminders of God’s constant goodness and His justice.

So last night when I realized that sleep wasn’t happening, I did what I always do. I complained. I thought about all the things I had to do today asked God if He couldn’t maybe give me a break for once (just being real. We all get a little dramatic when we’re sleepy, amiright?). Then I grabbed my quiet time stuff and went to the living room.

I start Bible time with prayer. I’ve found that I absorb a lot more if I invite Holy Spirit to read with me. And I start prayer with thanksgiving, which is what my dad taught me to do when I was young.

“Thank you, Father,” I paused. “Please show me the things I can be thankful for.” Because I know that my Father is good, and He doesn’t mind giving reminders.

I thanked God for my family, my children, my home, and then God brought something I’ve never thanked Him for to mind. Insomnia.

Thank you, Father, for insomnia. For the blessing of being awake when no one else is. For these precious, quiet moments alone with You. For the right to come before You as Your child and say, “I can’t sleep. Can I sit with You awhile?” And have You hold me. Thank you for this stillness. For the opportunity to spend time with You uninterrupted by noises (joyful or otherwise), by the needs of my little disciples, by messes and meetings and deadlines. Thank you for the darkness that leads me to seek Your light. I find my peace and my rest in You. Sometimes in the busyness of day-to-day life, I forget how close You are. But here in the quiet when it’s just You and me, I remember. Thank you for this beautiful gift. Thank you for insomnia.

I’m not resigned to suffering. I look forward to one day praising God for healing and sleeping a glorious eight hours a night. But while I’m here, I will praise the Lord. There is never a season that He is not worthy.